Boning
by Hanakage
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke break into a museum. What idiots. NaruSasuNaru, AU


So my beloved **sha La La. oh my-my **gave me the prompt "Naruto and Sasuke break into a museum". This is the (crazy) result.

**Warnings:** CRACK/HUMOR. Swearing, boy/boy situations and some naughtiness/innuendo.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Naruto_. Lucky for Naruto and Sasuke.

Enjoy!

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**Boning**

"Remind me again of why the hell I'm going along with this," Sasuke hisses into Naruto's ear, doing his best to ignore the mounting pulse of adrenaline skittering throughout his nervous system.

Even in the darkness, Naruto's scowl is markedly petulant. "You didn't _have_ to come with me!" he whispers back furiously. "Even though this _is_ partially your fault," he adds in a mumble, which Sasuke mercifully lets slide.

It's moments like this when Naruto half expects to see Sasuke's eyebrow raise a tiny little eyebrow of its own in silent derision. "And let you end up doing something even _more_ idiotic? Right, I don't feel like having to bail you out of jail, dumbass."  

"Aww, I love you too, Sasuke," Naruto coos. "And besides," he continues, before Sasuke can hit him, "they should really make those walls a little higher and those windows more reinforced. They're bringing this upon themselves, really."

Sasuke grits his teeth. "You're just incredibly lucky that we somehow avoided setting off an alarm."

"Sasuke, we've been over this. You don't _need_ luck when you've got mad ninja skills," Naruto rolls his eyes up to the heavens (or, technically, the random skeleton of what appeared to be a giant blue whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling overhead) in exasperation, "Duh."

Without further ado, he creeps into the main exhibit room, spine pressed flat against the wall, careful not to breathe too audibly or even let his sneakers squeak against the linoleum, keeping a vigilant eye out for trip wires and laser beams—

Hands in pockets, Sasuke strolls into the middle of the darkened room.

"Bastard!" comes Naruto's indignant sputter, and Sasuke barely manages to suppress the expression of mirth that threatens to make the corner of his mouth quirk upward.

"Come on, idiot," he fires back, feeling something in his forehead begin to twitch. "We haven't got all night."

Grumbling, Naruto pushes himself away from the wall and shuffles over to Sasuke, glaring and pouting at the floor (muttering something about "bastards having no appreciation for style points" and other nonsense that Sasuke does not deign to pay attention to).

When he reaches Sasuke's side the two continue on, heading farther and farther into the huge exhibition hall. The skeletons of dinosaurs are almost malevolent in the surrounding darkness, as if the slightest noise would wake them from their ancient slumber and send them rampaging throughout the museum.

"Hmm," Naruto muses, squinting. "I know it's got to be around here somewhere…"

Sasuke is certain that the twitching in his brow has reached a steady cadence now. "Naruto, if you don't find it right now I'm _leaving_ and letting them catch your sorry a—" He pauses, mid-rant, when he realizes that Naruto is no longer by his side.

"Oh, _there_ it is," Naruto mutters, face screwed up as if he's trying to solve a puzzle. He's leaning against a railing that overlooks the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton from about six or seven feet up.

Problem is, he's looking down.

_Oh. Shit_.

Sasuke joins him, and together they stare down at the wallet sitting on the toes of the most heavily guarded dinosaur skeleton in the entire museum. Illogically, Sasuke finds himself wishing it could just fly up to them.

…But because the universe hates Sasuke and his poultry-inspired hairstyle, the wallet does not sprout wings, nor is he suddenly gifted with the ability to perform telekinesis.

_Damn_.

There's a wide ceiling support pillar next to where they're standing, and Naruto slumps back against it, blowing a lock of golden hair away from his face and crossing his arms over his chest. "Well," he says evenly, all too calm for someone who's committing breaking and entering at a museum at three in the morning, "guess I'm just going to have to lower you down there."

Sasuke's eyebrow nearly rips itself off of his face. "_Excuse me?_"

"You're lighter than me! It makes more sense than the other way around," Naruto frowns.

Sasuke rubs a hand over his face in aggravation, "_None_ of this makes sense. I don't understand _why_ we had to fucking break in here!"

"This was the only logical solution!"

Sasuke clenches his hands into fists, wanting to avoid adding "murder by strangulation" to his mounting list of offenses punishable by law. Slowly, he manages to bite out, "Couldn't you have just _told_ the museum staff that you accidentally dropped your wallet into the T-rex display instead of committing a _crime_?"

"Yeah? And how do you suggest I could have explained it to them? _Well, you see, museum people, my wallet fell out of my pocket because my pants were around my knees_…"

A fierce blush spreads over Sasuke's cheeks. "Shut _up, Naruto_!"

"…_because I was behind this pillar," _Naruto pats the pillar, leering in a way that would make Jiraiya proud, "_busy, ahem, _boning _my OW—"_

Sasuke claps his hand over Naruto's mouth. They glare at each other for a moment before Naruto rips it away and asks, "Did you just _kick_ me?"

"Possibly."

"In the _shin_?"

"Would you like me to do it again, and this time aim for someplace softer and more delicate?"

Naruto sighs, "Can you just get the wallet? _Please?_"

"_Fine_," Sasuke grounds out, and starts to hoist himself over the railing. "But when we're out of here, your ass is _mine_."

"Ooh, kinky. And rhyme-y."

With one last roll of his eyes, Sasuke drops down into the exhibit below, as quiet as possible. The mighty T-rex looms over him fiercely in the darkness, its shadowed, empty eye sockets seeming to glare down at him (or perhaps just marveling at how on earth these two _imbeciles_ had managed to break into the museum).

He snatches the wallet as quickly as possible and tosses it up to Naruto, who places it (more securely) in his pocket.

After he pulls Sasuke up and helps him back over the railing, Naruto's face is the picture of triumph. "See, this was easy!"

…Subsequently, he finds himself pinned to the pillar by a livid Sasuke. And like any caring boyfriend wanting to protect his partner from incarceration (and himself from that whole "death" thing), Naruto decides to take the level-headed course of action, and shoves his tongue into Sasuke's mouth.

***

When the light of a flashlight steals across their features some time later, illuminating the unfortunate night watchman's shocked stare and Sasuke's utterly mortified one—Naruto's hands down the front of Sasuke's pants and Sasuke's down the back of his—Naruto can only chuckle nervously and remark:

"Well, at least I've got the ID to show the police now."

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**A/N**: Do I ever write anything in which Sasuke _doesn't_ end up getting tortured? XD

As of a little over a week ago, I am now a high school graduate! I'm hoping to write a bunch of new fics this summer before I head off to college in September. :)

As always, reviews are love!


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